When AJ was 3 she took the scissors to her hair in the same curious way most little girls do between two and four. It was cute. It was a lesson in discovery for her and another opportunity to teach her about those things that she just can’t do all by herself.
Since then we’ve had innumerable discussions about scissors, knives, and bathtubs–and how she is never ever to use any of them without Mommy or Daddy there to help. She’s been pretty good, apart from a few times she really wanted to cut something and I had told her she couldn’t. We’d have “the scissor talk” again and she’d be fine for months.
Tonight she cut her hair again, all of it. This time it’s not cute. This time I’m scared. There’s something going on in her right now that I’m not a part of and I don’t know how to reach it. This time she’s not being curious. She’s crying for help and I don’t know where to start.
I asked her, Why did you cut your hair?
She shrugged, I was tired of wearing clips in my hair all the time.
Then why didn’t you ask me to cut it for you?
Mumbling something inaudible, I finally got it out of her that she was “nervous” to tell me, afraid I would get mad. It’s not as much the hair, though it was beautiful and I’ll miss it, but I’m sitting her crying because I feel like I’m losing her.
You have to understand, she’s been an only child all this time and we’ve done everything together. She always could, and always did, tell my anything and everything. Every dream, every whim, every crazy random thought that came into her head was open and free for me. She loved me, trusted me, completely.
This past year she has been thrown to the back burner without her consent and though she loves her little sisters dearly, she is feeling the effects of being the older child thrust into this bigger family she didn’t ask for. It’s no wonder she’s lonely and a little insecure. I get where she’s coming from, I do. I just don’t know how to “fix” any of it.
Although I wouldn’t give up the twins for anything, I long for the days when it was just me and her, free to go anywhere and do anything. I was her best friend, and teacher. She taught me too. Now she’s afraid of me, afraid to tell me she doesn’t like her hair the way it is. It may seem small to you, but to us… it’s huge. If she can’t tell me this… now… I’m afraid for the future of our relationship.
Please pray that her heart would be healed, that she would find peace in Jesus if not in me. Pray for her spirit, that she would know we love her and that she can come to us with anything.
She’s such a sweet, loving girl, and at only five years old, it’s way too soon for her to be afraid to talk to the one person with whom everything should be safe territory. A daughter should always have her mother, no matter what. Please pray that I would never give her any reason to think she’s not totally safe with me.
Chris Goodrich left a comment on March 25, 2008 at 12:13 am | #
Natalie,
I will definitely be praying for you, your daughter, and your family.
Washington Irving once wrote… “There is in every true woman’s heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which kindles up, and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.”
I truly believe that this is the case here Natalie.
Christa Allan left a comment on March 25, 2008 at 2:31 am | #
Natalie, I will pray for you and your daughters, that you find peace in one another and in God’s loving arms.
As a mom of five, whose three daughters who are now 24, 24, and 28, I don’t think she’s afraid of you. I think, perhaps, she wanted your undivided attention. It’s difficult for any of us when we begin to recognize that the universe expands to fit others. Reaching out to her and her allowing you into her world seems a positive sign for what the two of you can share now and in the future.
'Mas left a comment on March 25, 2008 at 12:59 pm | #
I’ll pray for your transition. I was wondering if, during your period of illness if AJ got the understanding not to bother Mommy unless it was really important and now, with so much more on your plate with the twins, she’s working from the assumption that it’s up to her to “take care of you” by handling things on her own. It’s amazing how children will kinda cut short their childhood and try to be adult about things when they grab hold of certain ideas that are versions of reality that are slightly askew that they arrive at by trying to logic things out from a limited experience set. Just some thoughts from a man now in grandpa mode. :)
Sage left a comment on March 26, 2008 at 12:16 pm | #
I can totally relate to what you shared. I know this doesn’t make it any easier, but what are you experiencing (and what your daughter is going through) is totally normal (in this fallen world of ours). That which is the greatest blessing (in this case, having more children) is also a huge loss (the kind of relationship you and your daughter shared).
Having been where you are (twice–although the first time is definitely the hardest), let me just reassure you it will get better. My oldest (also 5) now can’t imagine life without her little sister (or brother, who came later). Her and my relationship has transitioned, and though I still sometimes grieve what I missed (precious time I would have loved to have had alone with her when she was 3 and 4), now the times we do share together are that much more precious. And as your other children get older, you will have more time to have one-on-one time with your oldest–not as much as you’d like, but it will be sweet when it happens. The sweetest thing, though, is watching the relationship unfold between siblings, and interacting all together as a family.
You probably know a lot of that with your head, but it’s hard to convince your heart–only time will do that. Meanwhile, rest assured that you aren’t losing your daughter–you’re both just having growing pains.
Natalie left a comment on March 26, 2008 at 1:19 pm | #
Thank you, all of you, for your prayers, and to those who emailed me personally as well. For those unaware, my parents went ahead and came out to visit us this week. Their trip was already planned, plane tickets purchased, hotel booked, etc. I couldn’t turn them away, so that obviously contributed to my emotions the other night.
Still, there is definitely something amiss with AJ and I. She admitted to me the next morning that she didn’t want to tell me she wanted to cut her hair because she didn’t think I’d listen. And she’s right. When she told me that polar bears don’t hibernate I didn’t listen. I forget sometimes how smart, how capable she is, and I end up making her feel like she has to go it alone because I’m not hearing her.
Thank you so much for your insights. This parenting thing is never something we master, I don’t think. :) God bless.
karla~looking towards heaven left a comment on March 28, 2008 at 1:34 pm | #
Bless your heart, Natalie. I get what you are saying.
Prayers for you and AJ.
Blessings, Karla